you fools!! I'm not actually here!!
There’s nothing I’m prouder of than my dreaminess and imagination. It has made me into a really creative person and I’m so grateful to have grown in an environment which allowed it to flourish. Recently, however, I’ve been incredibly frustrated by it. Not only do I feel like I’m generally missing out on life, but it’s also become an inconvenience when doing day to day things.
For context I’ve always had a really vivid imagination, I'd spend hours reading as a kid, and then I’d go to my grandparents house and put all my learnings to practice. I wouldn’t say I’ve used it as an escape generally but rather because it’s fun. Because rarely what happened in real life was able to move me as much as whatever my mind was able to conjure up. I told the kids at school the creepiest stories, some of which I made up on the spot, I’d imagine how I’d be if- those are problematic but fun- I missed long walks and conversations and classes by zooming out and just dreaming. I even remember coming to my group of two other friends to tell them I had nothing going on for myself and their reaction being, you have your imagination!
When in middle school I read Anne of Green Gables I felt so heard and understood. It was amazing.
During my teens that “not being present” thing started to prove annoying. Anxiety turned it into going from the clouds to my head and back to the clouds and back to my head. I went from creating entire games and building worlds and imagining futures to feeling like a haunted soul inside the castle that was my mind. Thinking and thinking and thinking about myself, it turned me into a hypochondriac, paranoid and a terribly insecure teen. I had a couple panic attacks, became obsessed with the idea that someday I’d become a schizophrenic person and generally saw no escape from my physical form which made me really upset. I wanted out. Not in a sad depressed way but more in a goddamnit, why am I like this, why are the possibilities so narrow, why are there so many things I’ll never experience!!!!!
I remember in sophomore year of high school we had a mindfulness session. I remember the woman telling us how our generation wasn’t living in the moment. And look, as someone who off the get-go, has horrible anxiety about the passing of time and our impending death, that’s pretty uncomfortable to hear. But it also hurt like a bitch. It felt like that was all I had done for the past 16 years! And I was happy with life, let people cope however they want! I’ll admit it, I’m one to jump in class. I always gave my damn opinion. Mostly because why would you go somewhere to learn something and not get involved. But this time I was offended so I jumped and defended daydreaming, but I got anxious and panicky in the process and almost cried. I felt so embarrassed about it. Like an anxious teen would. Highschool is messy.
Recently I’ve come to terms with it all, but now my frustration is another: I’ve realized how nice life is and how often it’s better than what’s in the brain. I still feel like I have no escape. I loose important things, I can’t concentrate on a text unless it’s a novel for the life of me, I zoom out on people I like (I’m great at pretending though and no one notices, which somehow makes it worse), I miss out on fun moments because I’m eternally trapped in the clouds or in my head, either way. Paranoia is also not fully gone but apparently hypochondria runs in the family so it could be worse. I’m so lucky that I have people who pull me back to earth though. And I’m trying to do better and acknowledge when I’m present and fully enjoy it, and fully enjoy my dreams. That’s all I crave from life right now, to enjoy and appreciate. The woman from that talk would disagree with my methods but recently I’ve found that recording stuff, video or audio mostly, really helps to get a couple minutes of grounded time. It’s a doubled edged sword, but that’s a story for another time.
Love, L