the paralysing fear of death
when I was the ripe age of 6 I asked my father what happens after we die...
"do you remember anything from before you were born?"
"no..."
"well it's the same thing when you die"
We're atheists. My fear of death has been consuming me since I was little.
Dad, what the fuck.
I love my father very dearly to be clear, but note to self: NEVER do that to your child. After that moment I started getting fears abnormal to a small kid... like when I convinced myself that I would choke and die from time to time so swallowing food became a mission often failed. Or when I kept going to check the kitchen and stoves after asking my parents wether they had turned the gas off in the house.
I am an anxious person, I didn't realize how bad it was until my boyfriend sort of showed me. He also showed me how to comb my hair but that's a story for another day. It can feel very isolating to live with this fear because all you want to do is live and yet you're paralyzed when you do it. It's going to end. Sometimes that's all I can think about. How every day I'm alive is one less day I get to be.
But why bring it up now? Up until this point it was just a mental block that I could easily get over. Now? Now every action I do goes through the death filter.
Plane ride? Death filter
New food? Death filter
Hike? Death filter
Alone at night? In a full room? Exploring nature? what if someone kills me(yeah the paranoia has gotten that bad)? driving? not being the one driving? The list goes on.
You would be surprised at how many things are scary once you start thinking about it. I hate this about myself and I'm at a lost on what to do. This obsession has worsened other anxieties and it's becoming a pain in the ass. However, another reason why I bring it up is because I started hearing other people talk about it, and it has helped with the isolation issue. A couple of YouTube girlies I watch have brought it up and the relief has been monumental. What do you mean it's normal? How do you deal with it? Please tell me more sister!
So far I've been good at coping and I haven't let my fears stop me from doing anything. I know a big chunk of them come from the terrifying fact that I'm not in full control over every minuscule detail of my life. Which sucks. Because that means I now have to face the fact that I have a control problem. Yay. However keeping it in line is not the same as getting better, and distracting myself by poorly coping is just pushing back the inevitable. I need to do something about this.
I tried faith once. A more natural approach to it, wicca style sort of. It wasn't bad but I have grown up too atheist for it to stick. I'm willing to give it another shot if it gets too bad. I just want to be okay with death.
So far focusing on small things has helped. Observing people. Watching them live. Sometimes I cave in and just binge watch YouTube to get out of my head. Whatever works.
If this happens to you also I would love to hear your approach and story. Make a reply! I'm always on bearblog! I like to listen, let me get out of my head and into yours, there might be echoes of my own.
Love.