not a resolution, but perhaps… a vibe?
When I was, well, a couple years ago really, I used to make huge lists of resolutions, accomplishments and generally things that I wanted to improve on or try out come the new year. More often than not, the outcome resembled more the bible than a grocery list in length (and perhaps in other things as well). Pages, I swear, were filled with nonsense that went from tapdancing to going vegan, to learning how to play the oboe with my nose while doing a handstand. I knew that I didn’t have time, energy, will or money to get those things done, I was naïve but not an idiot, however, it was fun to reflect on my interests, on the what ifs of life. I blame my parents for having me in 4 different extracurriculars per week as a child. No I don’t.
So I became a resolution denier. Because jumping from extreme to extreme is my fav. Last year however, with what seems to be a sliver of maturity (whoa not to go crazy), I chose a different approach: resolutions are cool but not for me, but perhaps… a vibe?
Roll credits
Kidding. It was great, actually. I obviously didn’t come up with the idea, I got told about it, thought it was cool and took it to heart. Last year I went for Creativity. Being more creative, striving to be my most creative self etc etc etc. Easy enough. And it was nice because, when faced with a big decision on top of my usual idiotic filters I had an awesome new one that felt reasonable and thought out: will this lead me to a more creative path? And wow shocker, I’m very happy with how this year turned out. Not to brag. But yes to brag. ha.
So, come the end of December, raise the question: what now? I really didn’t feel like letting go of that vibe, but repeating felt like overdoing it, like it might lose its strength, its power. DON’T ask me to explain myself, I can’t. Aside from the unexplainable I felt something else, the need for a little challenge perhaps. The last three months of last year my mind decided to have a little fun and embark on this constant “comparing myself to other people”, that I just truly adore. Smile. So most of the vibes and resolutions that I came up with felt disingenuous, like a lie. Like I was coming up with them from the wrong place. Eventually I asked myself where were these odd “resolutions” coming from… And that landed me on:
“no more comparing yourself to others”
Not bad for a first draft, but I wasn’t feeling satisfied with it. It felt more like a resolution than a vibe. And so I kept tinkering at it until I reached:
“compare yourself to your past self only”
I didn’t love it I’ll be honest. Too… self help-y for me. Plus my past self is young still. I’m changing too often (thank god) for this to be meaningful. Or idk, too easy maybe? Too limiting? I can’t put my finger on what I don’t love about this but I don’t. So I decided to take a step back and analyze what I’ve been wanting or needing; what might encompass multiple of my life desires. And I sat and appreciated how good the last year was. One of my favorite parts of the method is that it accidentally improves aspects of your life you weren’t expecting. I feel like the simple act of asking myself, of noticing what I was doing and measuring it against an ambiguous goal led me places I didn’t expect, to meet and cherish people I otherwise wouldn’t have, and gotten to know myself better.
I’ve written before about my trouble being present, it’s bad. I go outside a lot and I’m pretty social, some might say more than average. I’m very conscious of my time spent online and what my vices are. All in all, I’m a healthy individual. But I’m not good at being present. At my best that simply means I daydream a bit too much, zoom out a tad bit more than I should. At my worst I get blinded by anxiety and consumed by things that aren’t real. I miss out on conversations or fun moments because I can’t seem to land my head. I become surly easily and say things I don’t mean. Most importantly I think things I don’t mean and hurt myself quite a lot. And so:
“be present”
I know, corny. But hey don’t yuck my yum. If I wanted a challenge: this, is it. Already for the past 4 days this has been the bane of my existence. Maybe I don’t even know what being present means. Off to a lovely start, aren’t we? Smile.
Happy new year.
Love,
L