02. missing someone sucks
dear friend,
missing someone sucks. for a week now I've been doing better but holy shit this has been painful. three weeks ago I could barely get out of bed, I had this constant feeling that reminded me of getting out of the shower when you're really sick, weak. I was depressed. now it has evolved, there are moments of weakness where I have to remind myself that I have to keep moving: life is full of wonder and I might miss it. it's still especially bad when my brain is not fully activated, like in the mornings. probably because we're really good at mornings.
as a child I used to be very sentimental, I kept everything that I loved close and was always afraid of letting go. a bit of a hoarder, she would be furious at the current state of affairs.
with my younger self, I also seem to share another fun quality. I miss things in advance. I remember as a really small child I had an issue with stuffed animals, meaning I had too many of them. I slept with all of them in my very very tiny bed. I also knew the time would arrive when they would have to go and be given to someone who would actually use them, and it hurt. most of the time I'd spend with my stuffed animals felt like a constant apology that I was going to give them away at some point, that I wasn't going to wake up to the perfect formation of old ragged cotton stuffed animals or kiss them goodnight, that I wasn't spending more time with them now that I had the chance... after all the fun they had provided me with. I remember thinking how lonely it must feel to be a toy, I got terribly sad at the idea of them leaving my safe house and never being used or loved by their next owner; of them having to fend without me.
admittedly I don't like goodbyes. back when I pretended to be tough, those were the only moments when I could feel the pressure in my chest and the knot in my throat grow. so naturally I'd avoid them at all costs. however, ever since eyes happened I seem to be in a constant unavoidable state of goodbye to everyone around me. especially my family.
my dad's sad look when he touches my cheek breaks my heart and makes me want to cry and tell him that I'm staying, that I'll stay forever, that I'll do whatever he tells me but please don't be sad. I never do because regardless of everything I've always known I'd leave, and wanted to do so, so I'd be lying to him. my brother has started hugging me from time to time which is as unlikely as it gets. we've been building this beautiful relationship for a little while that only seems to be getting stronger, it is a shame to have to go after all the time it's taken. my mom's the toughest of them all, she will pretend that everything is fine, that she understands and is okay with everything. and she probably is, at least for now. she usually reacts after the fact and I won't even be there to comfort her. they'll all be okay, I know that, they're all grown adults. But I feel such guilt and sorrow in my heart and I desperately miss them. which is silly because missing someone before they're gone is a waste of time and only makes you enjoy the moment a little less.
anyways all this to say that I'm carrying this double burden because it's either eyes or them. for the past year, I've grown accustomed with the weight of it. I've forgotten how it was before I started missing people. I imagine it must feel very light.
hugs and kisses