01. incongruence and fear
Dear friend,
I hope you're doing well.
I was thinking recently that despite the ugly of the word I really like it. Incongruence. Mom used it once when I came to her about being a hypocrite. I don't remember the reason. Incongruence is intrinsic to humans I think she said, but again I don't remember. However, I think it probably was of great consolation to her at some point as it is to me now. I'm incongruent sounds like you're announcing a horrible diagnosis with an uncurable treatment. Maybe I've grown accustomed to the sound of it in my head because it doesn't sound half bad to me anymore. All this comes from the fact that I evidently spend way too much time in my head, and the more I spend there the more obvious my lack of coherence between what I preach, what I think, and what I do gets. And I hate it. Maybe if life was less complicated I could change what I think every day and wouldn't feel pressure (from myself, I'm well aware this is a me thing) to keep myself consistent. I run into this issue a lot: issues that my head created because my head decided that they're issues in the first place.
Still, I envy my friends, they are great at being themselves and I hate that I catch myself not doing stuff I really want to be doing in fear of ...¿? it's not judgment, I know that much. It's, I think, a reaction or maybe a shift in treatment? I simply don't want to be acknowledged. If I woke up tomorrow and decided to rewrite the rules I'd get reactions and that scares me I don't care if people think I'm silly; it's the simple acknowledgment even if it's good that makes me feel a little sick. Why can't people just pretend that I've always been like that and follow along?
Feeling different inside and out plus changing with each day takes a toll on the brain. I wish I was a deciduous tree: they change every season and no one seems to bat an eye. And if they do, the tree doesn't care. I've recently figured out that all the issues in my life tie back to fear. In many ways, I feel like a toddler. Scared and with an unformed personality. I have the feeling it all boils down to ego. I don't want to talk about it. Have a lovely day, Hugs and kisses.